Thursday, April 14, 2016

This is me...

This is me.

This year there has a lot that has been going on. I started my own business, I quit my part time job. I am transitioning back to a stay at home mom.

But mainly, the changes have been happening within myself. I am growing and discovering who I am and what my truth is. You can't tell from the outside, but inside I am a mess.

I am hypothyroid. I live with depression. I have self esteem issues, A LOT of self esteem issues. I feel I need everyone's approval. I hate conflict and confrontations. I'd rather tell you everything is fine, and be suffering in silence behind close doors, even when my current situation no longer feels right.

I keep everything that has been and ever have been bothering me bottled up until I can't take any more and I end up screaming and yelling at those who love and support me the most. I have trouble expressing what is bothering me, I'd rather just smile and pretend nothing is wrong than burden other people with my problems even when I just feel like crawling into a hole to hide.

I don't think I'm beautiful, let alone pretty. I don't believe any one when they tell me that I am. Most the time I think it's a cruel joke that you would think, that let alone speak those words to me. And I know it hurts my husband the most because my thoughts and actions, or lack there of, unintentionally hurt him as well.

I feel like I am a fraud and scared of being successful. I'm scared that even though I call myself an artist, that my family calls me an artist, that the world won't see that and I'll ultimately fail at running my own business selling my art. It's the fear that keeps me from wanting to move forward and to just create and put myself out there. I have never told anyone about those fears. I'm scared of constantly being compared to others and never being seen for who I truly am and not being praised for fighting hard and following my own beat and treading down my own path.

I start a lot of projects and never finish them because I'm scared that once they are over with that's it. Nothing more. I'm scared of the closure it brings. At least when they are still on going, I have that security that they will always be there no matter what. I'm afraid my husband will get fed up with me and leave.

I fear that I'm not a good enough role model for my kids, especially my daughter. I am scared shitless that my actions and inability to love and accept myself will rub off on her and she will be as much of a mess as I am. How can I teach her to love herself and don't take shit from no one if I can't even do that myself?

It's that very fear that has made me take a stand. I am taking a stand for myself, to healing and loving myself. To bare my soul. This me. This is me living transparently and opening that damn cocoon so that I can finally fly.

And to finally speak my truth.

~ Karen

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