Friday, April 15, 2016

Making a promise to myself

Day 2: #wildsisterslc

Stating that I've been ripped raw yesterday and today is a bit of an understatement. The fact that I'm even sitting here sharing it publicly (well as publicly as my blog is) is a huge stretch for myself as well. I am one who is rarely ever public with my emotions let alone talking about them to complete strangers.

Our challenge was to pay attention to how we treat ourselves. Like putting other people's needs first or holding onto guilt or taking things or words too personally. The second part of the challenge was to look ourselves in the mirror and make a promise to ourselves. And me being me, I went straight for my art journal because that was a goal I made for myself, art journal more.

It was easy to write encouraging words and positive promises to myself in my journal. When I stood in front of the mirror, it took a great deal of effort to not pick apart things that I didn't like about myself, that I wanted to change. After a bit of breathing, tears, and a whole lot of forgiveness, I was able to look myself in the eye and make the promises to her and say them out loud.

It made me realize how much I've bottled things up and have been a huge people pleaser over the years and how much I had set my needs and desires aside and forgot about them. I had put myself in a position where I had allowed myself to be over run and made to believe I didn't have a valid voice. It all came from me wanting to keep the peace and not wanting to piss people off.

But what was the sacrifice?

The sacrifice was me and who I was and the person my husband had fallen in love with. The sacrifice was the spunky woman who marched to her own beat and didn't care what others thought. If she wanted to walk across the college campus, her black cloak billowing in the wind, to hug the biggest damn tree she could find, she did...

I did.

It has taken me a lot of years and this challenge to realize that I truly miss that person. She was connected to the Earth beneath her feet. Her spirit soared upon the wind. And her soul didn't need permission to sing and she damn well didn't need permission to speak her truth.

I miss that spunky, hippy witch and I promise one day, I will embrace her again!


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