Breath and keep on going

Spring is in the air. The grass is getting greener each day (exceptionally so today). Tulips and daffodils are springing forth from their winter time slumber. Life is being renewed. And as I am thankful for that renewal and the returning of life, a small part of me dreads it. It’s the part of me that knows with spring comes babies. Women pregnant with babies, babies being born, babies growing and exploring their new surroundings. It’s just the natural cycle of things.

Tomorrow is my cousin’s baby shower. It’s her first and I couldn’t be happier for her. I’ll be going, along with most of the rest of my family. I’ll be smiling on the outside and fighting some tough emotions on the inside.

I’ve always wanted to be a mama. I am a mama. My little guy turned 7 years old this past February. But it wasn’t an easy journey to get to that point where I could look in a mirror and see my growing belly. I knew Chris was going to be the father of my kids. I knew it deep in my being. The sad fact was, I wasn’t as fertile as I thought I was. We miscarried our first shortly after we started trying. The second we miscarried a week after confirming it at the doctors and telling our family that we were expecting. “Eh you miscarry, you miscarry. There’s nothing you can really do about it,” Was just something you never wanted to hear from your doctor (ex doctor for just that reason too). Those words just never leave you.

June 6th, 2004 was when I found out that I was pregnant. I cried like a baby after it sunk in. It was 9 months that I enjoyed being pregnant but I wish Chris had enjoyed it more. I can honestly say that it was a lonely 9 months even with him around. His biggest fear was loosing that baby and being the cause of it. So even though he would fulfill all those cravings for hot fudge sundaes with extra nuts from McDonald’s and wished like crazy that the Outback that was being built near where we used to live would hurry up and open because his wife was craving a blooming onions, he refused to give massages or touch my belly to feel the baby kick. And I understand why he kept his distance a bit, but it still drove me crazy.

But after the kiddo was born, it all just melted away.

7 years we’ve been trying for a second kiddo to complete our little family. And for 7 years we’ve had to deal with one obstacle after another. First it was being diagnosed with hypothyroidism shortly after the kiddo was born. Then it was struggling with the fact that we were suffering from secondary infertility. We still are struggling with it. But I remain optimistic.

But being around babies and pregnant women is never easy. Some days are better than others. Today is one of those hard days for sure. Picking out a present for the new baby doesn’t help at all either. I fight tears and anger a lot.

So now it’s time to dry my wet, red, puffy eyes and put on a smiling face to finish out the day. I just hope the kiddo doesn’t ask for a brother or a sister any time soon, that just might throw me back into my emotional rollercoaster once more.