“It takes courage to grow up and become who you truly are.”
~ e.e. Cummings
What can I say. I really have a hard time sticking to something. I always have. I also have a hard time finding an exercise or activity (exercise wise) that I absolutely love and want to do every day. You can only get so much exercise by walking, which I love to do. But I need to do more with what I have in front of me.
I used to think it was about the monotony of the repetition that turned me away from sticking with something. But it's more about me being very self conscious, even around those closest to me. You would think that I wouldn't be self conscious about anything in front of my husband who's seen every jiggly, flabby part of me, because it would be him that I would be exercising in front of at home (especially on the weekends). But I am. It dawned on me when I needed a picture of myself for an art class. I didn't like the person that came out on paper. I am always the one behind the camera, never in front of it. I don't like how I look in pictures. I don't know many overweight people who are.
A few nights ago, after an argument with my husband, it dawned on me that I was the one who gave up and was letting my life spiral out of control. No one else was, just me. What sort of example am I setting for my son if I just give up? It's only me coming up with every excuse in the world to keep from being happy and healthy. It's only me keeping me from succeeding.
I found out yesterday that a friend of mine is going to see a plastic surgeon for a tummy tuck. More power to her with 2 young kids running around and a household to run. But it made me realize, what's my excuse? My own son goes to school every day and I am home all day. What's my excuse for not being active on a daily basis? What's my excuse for not creating art pieces to sell?
My biggest fear is failure. Failure to commit to a lifestyle change. Failure to want to succeed. Failure to put me first. Failure to stand up and take charge of my own life. If I don't like something, no one else is going to change it for me. No one is going to hold my hand while I exercise. No one is going to make me exercise. I have to do it on my own. I have to be the one to hold myself accountable. I have to be the one to make the changes that need to happen in order for me to be happy. Not just health wise, but life wise. If I want to be a successful artist, housewife, mother, then I need to make it happen. You make your own success. You just got to do it.
So today marks a new start for me, both for my health but also for my happiness. And it's going to take one day at a time. And if I am weary of how others are going to see me while doing it, I'd rather them see me making an effort than just sitting there letting life pass me by.
Today I make my own challenge. I challenge myself to be active everyday and to give it a change to work. I challenge myself not to give up something after a week. I challenge myself to make time for me.